tornado

I had another tornado dream yesterday...right before I woke up.  It happened on the farm, as they always do, and this time my sisters and I were out on the hill when I saw the funnel cloud form.  We ran back to the house, where there were a whole lot of strange people, and I had trouble convincing everyone (as usual) to go down to the basement.  Funny enough, after the storm, there was still a large uprooted tree floating around in slow motion.  The trunk tapped against the front door, just as I peered out of it.  Talk about weird.

There are a lot of weird things going on that I feel I have no control over...which is one interpretation of tornadoes in dreams I believe.

The most benign is of course my lack of organization around the house.  It sure looks like a tornado hit.  More importantly, I'm about to be unemployed again.  In a way, though, it will be a relief, because my job has caused me a lot of extra stressing over my own inabilities to affect change.  I wanted to do some good for that institution that gave me my first job.  Sort of like returning the favor.  But it's in this downward spiral that I don't think any one girl, no matter how smart or educated, could unwind.  It will take a village, literally, to save the museum.  Sadly, half the villagers either don't know or don't care.

I know I need to be more regimented.  Especially with editing the thesis.  It started out as the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head.  Now its more like the ICBM of Damocles.  What is stopping me?  I don't think I can even answer that now.  I was thinking about New York, as I usually do, and it seemed so far away...so unreal.  Did I ever really live there?

The application for my teaching license renewal asked "Have you lived in Ohio continuously for the past five years?"  Technically, no.  But on paper, yes.  I never became a permanent resident of New York.  With one little flick of my pen, I sort of erased those two years in the Big Apple.  Like it never really happened.  I want so badly to go back, if only to visit.  But it's been a year, and I'm afraid there won't be a place there for me.  I have to remember:  people are friends in spots.  And my spot is gone.

I'll keep sending out emails and resumes and applications.  But will it ever get me anywhere?  I have no control over that.  Sure, I control what I write to potential employers.  But I can't control my competitors...all of the millions of them.  Some pad their resumes.  Some "know" people.  I feel unprepared and ill-equipped to make it in this "job market."

Maybe I'm too naive.  Too idealist.

And I have no control over my "manfriend" leaving for Cleveland.  Maybe it would have been a shorter blog entry to list the things I can control, like the color of my toenails, for example.