last week or thereabouts

I’m sitting in my 90 year old grandmother’s living room tonight, watching and waiting for any sign she’s having trouble walking or otherwise getting around.  It’s not out of the ordinary for someone her age to be achy, or to require a walker, yet we’re all wondering what tomorrow’s tests and scans will reveal.  Her pain medication might make her more unsteady than usual; therefore I am having this impromptu sleepover.

Now the young and restless voice in my head is telling me I am too young for these worries and responsibilities, yet who else can do it?  In the other house there is a 6 month old, and Dad isn’t much of a nurse.  But still, here I am, highly educated and desperately wanting to see the world, and I’m stuck in a living room.  Naturally my thoughts drift to my mother, whose expertise would be most welcome in a time such as this.  It still grates on me that the loss of my mother requires further loss, in terms of sacrifice.  A heightened sense of responsibility toward my family, and thus the surrender (or just postponement, I hope) of global dreams.

The closest we have to a medical expert in the family now is a veterinarian…not that her presence isn’t of any comfort, but Mom’s quiet authority was quite a luxury, looking back on it.  Prescriptions and scans and exams were not so incoherent.  Prognosis was not so scary.  And with just a few words she could put to rest the inevitable negativity and fear that Dad has running through his head right now.  While my sister and I are thinking short term:  monitor Grandma’s reaction to the pain medication and get her ready for her CT in the morning; Dad is leaping ahead:  power of attorney and hospital stays and dampened spirits at the upcoming birthday celebration.

The quiet right now, punctuated by my grandmother’s big clock and the shuffling of pages of her book, is rather disquieting.  I’m not exactly sure how worried to be.  It’s been a while since I have been this close to the medical goings on of a family member.  With Mom, it was brutally sudden, and with Grandpa, it was quiet and expected.  Not since Grandma Elliott have I had to play prescription courier or anything like that.  That was seven years ago.

I was just thinking the other day, how it feels that I’ve accomplished so little in this decade.  With only a few months remaining…will I make up for it?