I knew this would happen...I'm mentally balking at the notion of sending my resume to New York places because I feel that New York is out of my league. That's what a year in Ohio does to you.
I really need to bite the bullet and call the places I've already sent to, so at least I'll know they've dragged and dropped my resume into their computer's recycle bin. It really stings. As it did before. And it's harder now to search for jobs, not because there are no openings, but because I feel I am not qualified for the openings. Because I took that worthless internship my second year. Because I'm on academic leave. Because I'm here in Podunk, Ohio. I cannot bring myself to lie or pad my resume. And quite frankly...does it really need padding? What else can I do but write an honest letter and let my skills speak for themselves? A clever turn of phrase, in moderation, maybe, is all I used to need to impress a potential employer.
Sometimes I think I embody the phrase, "Oh, how the Mighty have fallen." It really brings me down to think of all the potential I had in high school. That I still had at OSU. All that promise that now seems wasted. And I know I've written sentences like that before. At least there is still a little voice inside that insists: I have fallen, but I'm still mighty. I just wish I were more impervious to the things that make me feel less intelligent.
I'm wrapping up a "gig" as educator of a small museum with major financial and organizational issues. Have I helped at all? The idea of talking about what I've done with my boss is rather frightening. I think I've helped in such tiny ways that it will all disappear not long after I'm gone. Absorbed by larger problems. Again and again like a litany of shame I describe to the people I run into around town that I'm applying everywhere I possibly can...waiting...licensed for substitute teaching...waiting.
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