this is what happens when I read a troll's comments on my boyfriend's facebook feed

Oh, how some love to mansplain about birth control. And oh how I cannot resist researching articles and studies to shut them down. This time around, I’ve read that having children correlates to a lower risk of cancers, including breast cancer. Well, I’d like to reduce my risk of cancer, so…

You heard ‘em Dan, let’s make this happen! So we get pregnant…wait, it doesn’t necessarily happen on that first try, does it? We could be trying for months, even years. We could go in for awkward discussions with our doctors, embarrassing tests, and painful procedures to create this child. And all that costs money. Will it be covered by insurance? Maybe, but most likely not. See, it’s not just “Hey, let’s do this!” A planned pregnancy can also be an emotionally and mentally draining process that threatens relationships and financial security. And honestly, do you really think I’d have a child just to lower my chances of breast cancer? Just because it’s the next thing to do in life? When there are so many kids out there hoping to be adopted?

Say we successfully create a baby. It’ll be an adorable science whiz with mad verbal skills, to be sure. But it’ll take up to 40 weeks to arrive. In the meantime? How will I deal with morning sickness? What if I miscarry? Prenatal vitamins and checkups aren’t full-proof…there are some scary complications out there for pregnant women: gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, being put on bedrest, constant nausea (worse than morning sickness…my sister had that). And just what is Dan going through during all this crap? Why can’t he buy the right ice cream?! It’s not that hard to read a fricking label! Seriously, hormone levels will be changing; I could become a monster in Dan’s eyes. I really have to wonder…is it worth all that?

Then there’s all the clothes, toys, decorations, furniture, a newly painted bedroom. Wait, where will this bedroom be? Dan moves all over the place, job-site to job-site, and I live in the middle of nowhere. Who will pay for this bedroom? Do we really have to have a cutesy little baby shower, honestly…

And I’m not going to post my sonograms to facebook. Hey, look what’s inside my uterus! I don’t really share with you guys all that often but take a look inside my BODY. No disrespect to those who enjoy posting those pics or enjoy seeing them.

All right, the day arrives! Whoops, it’s not on the proper due date because those aren’t hard and fast rules, you know. Baby could be like me and join the party a month early, or he/she could be like my niece and refuse to come out. That means inducing with hormones in the hospital, or a C-section. I’ve heard about those…my sisters recall being laid out on a table crucifixion-style, awake but numb. That is the stuff of nightmares, I tell you! I’ll be thinking the entire time…that doctor is cutting into my abdomen…I can’t feel it but I know it’s happening. Thank God there’s a drape there and I can’t see it! What if something is wrong, what if the baby isn’t breathing, what if the baby has a congenital problem that didn't show up on any tests? On top of being gut-wrenching, all this costs money. The hospital stay, the tests, the medications, the scans, the surgery, procedures for any of those nightmare problems. Is it all covered by my insurance? Probably not 100 percent.

Quick, Dan! Break your leg so we meet our deductible sooner. Oh wait, that might help financially, but then my partner is laid up with a broken leg. Perfect.

So pretend we’ve got a place to live, pretend we can pay the obscene hospital bills, and pretend we’re all healthy. That’s when the real work begins. We’ll be feeding, changing, nurturing, teaching, disciplining…and I say “we” assuming that, through it all, Dan and I can keep it together. There will be childcare to pay for; wait, have we both advanced in our careers? Oh God, what if we’re trying to do all this with our current jobs? What if one of us gets laid off? This is not just the product of anxiety; it happens to real people…real, hard-working, deserving Americans. What if we need government assistance? How will we cope with the shame? What if people find out? All of that distracts from the real work of being a loving family. It takes a heavy toll on all those traditional values so many politicians gab about.

We’ve got a lot of work to do, but we get through it. We endure kindergarten screening, maybe even open-enrollment, or a lottery for school choice. We go to teacher conferences and naturally, our child is a boss. Because, really, what else would you expect? Eighteen years later, and crap! Did we start a college fund? Did we sign you up for band and sports and volunteering to prove to all those admissions boards that you are special, that you deserve a spot at that university, and that you earned that scholarship or grant? Will we need to choose between our retirement accounts and your education? Hell, will we even have retirement accounts? At the rate it’s going now, just how ridiculous will tuition be in the future? Will you, the child of a scientist and an art historian, choose a technical vocation, and not have to put up with society devaluing you? Will you, our child, feel encouraged to get an MFA or a PhD, or will the STEM rhetoric pass from good idea to all-out prejudice by then?

Through all this, have we provided a good home for you? Has Dan been able to work in one place, and not all over the place, to spend more time with you? Come to think of it, have I been able to balance home and work, to spend more time with you? Have we decided to give you a sibling? Do we have the right cars or trucks? Are we cool? Are we fair? Soon, it’ll be time to deal with bullies, peer-pressure, boyfriends, girlfriends, alcohol and other drugs. There will be the right brand of shoes, iPhones, and can’t you just wear these jeans instead of the expensive ones? They look great on you, so who cares? You won’t care in ten years, trust me. Will you have friends? Will you hate high school like I did? Will you struggle to connect with people, like I did?

Do you know where you come from? Do you see your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandpa and grandma often enough? Are you well-rounded, like we want you to be? Have you seen more of the world than I have? Is the world even safe for you? Seriously, eighteen years from now is typically the time frame most Hollywood productions choose for their post-nuclear dystopia, isn’t it? What about climate change? Are the science-deniers still clogging up the conversation? What about inflation, what sort of economy am I sending you into?

But then again, you could see the next great leap in scientific discovery. You could witness, or even be the impetus behind the next great historical event! You could follow in my footsteps and live in New York, unless it’s under water, or you could follow your father’s footsteps and traipse around Utah on a geological expedition. Unless the Yellowstone supervolcano erupts, then we’ll have to find someplace else for you to explore.

I just don’t know what will happen. But, although so much of it is down to chance, or down to national policy in some cases, at least right now I can choose when I’m ready for you. We can choose, because that’s what responsible adults do. I’ll have you when I want you. When we want you. When we’re in a better situation to provide all of this for you.

We are the ones who decide, not some congressman, not even the president. Not some stranger or some family friend gushing “Now it’s your turn! When are you going to start a family?” This is why I use contraceptives. This is why I defend other women’s rights to choose. This, all of this, is what goes through my head in a huge, 5-second flash right before I ask, “Doctor, would you help me pick the right contraceptive?” It is not easily boiled down to “So you want us to subsidize your sex life?” Or, “Why should I pay for you to be a slut?” In fact, because I use the pill, you don’t have to subsidize my house, my grocery-shopping, or my child’s healthcare. And studies show I get a similar reduction of cancer risk, too. It's a big win-win.

Now, I am lucky. I have never gone without health coverage. I haven’t had to pay full price for expensive implants because that’s all that works. I have never relied on a community clinic or Planned Parenthood for screenings, prescriptions, or procedures. I also want those organizations to be around for others, women and men, so that they can stop and think about all of the above. So they can say “not yet.” And yes, even so they can say “not this time.” Because the choice to take birth control pills, to use an emergency contraceptive, or to have an abortion, is a choice that is made by a woman with the help of her partner, her family, her doctor, her clergyman if she has one and wants to include them.

To be pro-choice is not to be pro-abortion. It is pro-women, pro-men, pro-family, pro-human. There is so much involved in creating a life that is out of my control, that I do not believe I am somehow meddling with God’s plan for me by choosing when. He’ll still have plenty to work with; you read all that above.

Here’s a questionnaire to sum up:

1. Do you have a uterus?
2. Have you had a child?
3. Have you lost a child?
4. Do you have an MD?
5. Do you have a PhD in a relevant field, such as psychology?
6. Do you have a wife, girlfriend, sister, daughter, or friend who has come to you for help and advice concerning reproduction?
7. Are you a member of the clergy who has been approached by a woman for help and advice?

If you answered yes to any of these, you are in the class of people needed to discuss reproductive rights in a sane, civil manner. In my case, there are two, count ‘em, two men only who have a say. Ok, three if my future doctor is male. If you answered no to all of these, I encourage you to listen to a member of that class for their expert testimony and their experiences before you choose where you stand.

An Idealist Proposal

Over thirty years have passed since the Supreme Court handed down its decision concerning Roe v. Wade, and yet, lawmakers across this nation continue to draft and vote on and pass legislation defining viability, laying down all sorts of hoops for a woman to jump through, and flat out maneuvering to make the 1973 case nothing more than a bad memory. Meanwhile, millions of Americans are still out of work, parents struggle to make ends meet, and local governments flounder. Hell, Detroit wants to file for bankruptcy!

So, in tough economic times, why are lawmakers talking about abortion at all? Why exactly did Ohio Republicans think it made sense to tack on abortion legislation to the budget, of all things?

Of all the problems we need to fix, of all the problems lawmakers should fix, why this one?

Ideological idiocy. Some twisted derivation of trickle-down theory, in which a society that homogeneously embraces a certain world view will magically become Mayberry. Good-bye unemployment, so long terrorism...all because the government of Ohio can require you to have a transvaginal ultrasound. Hallelujah.

I hear pro-life advocates such as Lila Rose speak very passionately about their cause on Fox News, and I see protesters holding up their abhorrent posters on the capitol steps; my gut reaction is to counter their points. Seriously...I wrote six pages worth. However, when I analyze the whole situation, I can’t help but believe that the pro-life movement is more pro-legislation than anything else. And isn’t that odd, considering some of these same people believe and have loudly interjected that the government cannot fix everything? (Gun violence, healthcare, you name it...)

Instead of fixing problems that actually affect most Americans, these lobbyists (to be fair, on both sides of the debate) throw millions of dollars into their campaigns, and lawmakers spend our tax dollars “debating” legislation. Just imagine what everyone could accomplish if they adopted a different strategy:

1. Stop the hyperbole. There might be another reason that pro-life representatives refer to people like me as pro-abortion besides the obvious giddiness that comes from childishly defaming your opponent. Perhaps the phrase “pro-choice” is just too damn reasonable and realistic.
2. Choice is important here. Bill O’Reilly quipped on his show last week that a woman might say “Oh, I sprained my wrist” and get an abortion. Wha??? Spend some of that money on research into why women make the choices they make. Understand the people whom you would otherwise legislate into oblivion.
3. Reach out to real women and girls facing that choice. If you truly believe that you can stop abortions and save babies, why not get out there and do it, instead of hanging around lawmakers?
4. And to those lawmakers...seriously. Have you looked at your approval rating lately? More ideology is not the answer, and some of you have elections coming up. I’m looking at you, Governor Kasich.

Let’s talk about the sort of person who is pro-choice. Not the boogeyman of the religious right: the über liberal feminist who wants to kill babies! Pro-choice people are women and men, young and old. Some are even Christian! And I can happily assert that I did not come to my pro-choice-ness by reading Planned Parenthood publications.

A wise woman once said, “Kids are going to have sex. So make sure they do so safely.” That woman was my mother. She used slightly different and more profane words, owing to the fact that anti-contraceptive politicians got her blood boiling. She was a nurse and a Christian, and it is her pragmatic take on these issues that emboldens my own idealist view.

Why is all this still a controversy? Contraception, premarital sex, abortion...it all seems already sorted to me. Always has. Sex education at my school might have been a bit of a joke; I surely didn’t change my mind about anything or learn anything beyond the obvious. Yet there are kids out there who don’t have their minds made up about it. Kids who don’t have sufficient parental guidance to navigate those issues. So they make uneducated choices, the worst kind of choice.

Whose responsibility is it? I say it’s the parents’ responsibility. I look forward to the day when gym teachers don’t have to double as sex education instructors. I’m sure they dream of that day, too. The problem with this dream of ours is that not all parents can or will take up that burden.

Call it oversimplification, but if you want your child to wait until marriage, etc., etc., shouldn’t you make the case for it? Shouldn’t you help steer your child toward that choice? Not the school. Not the government. Not the media.

Yet people blame movies for glorifying sex, blame schools for enabling it, and blame the government for taking God out of the equation. You’re the parents. If you want God to be part of your child’s decision, go for it. That’s your choice. If you want to enroll your child in a private school that better fits your morals, go for it. That’s your choice. If you want to filter what your child watches, go for it. That’s your choice.

There’s that pesky word...choice. And I propose, modestly, that both sides work toward affecting choices outside the halls of government. Educate parents. Empower girls and boys to talk openly. That’s where this abortion issue really starts. Not in the ob-gyn exam room, but in the Victorian awkwardness and avoidance of how babies are really made. They aren’t made with the blessing of the Church or Congress, but as a result of the choices two people make. 

One might look to the Church, like Sarah Palin did when she discovered her son Trig would have special needs. While her faith was a big part of it, she had the right to choose. Wendy Davis also made a choice to keep her baby at 19 years of age. Yet she would not then turn around and deprive other women from that same freedom of choice. Would you like more women to choose your way? Explain to them why. Support them. Do not demonize them or subject them to scrutiny that is medically unnecessary.

Sadly, for both Lila Rose and Planned Parenthood, my proposal will not result in any groundbreaking law or court decision. There will be no balloons, no posters, and maybe even no television appearances. There will simply be a generation of men and women who have been equipped with the knowledge, faith, and understanding (or some combination thereof) to make the choice that is best for them and their families if the time comes. And lawmakers can shove it.

We are a nation that likes its big events: mostly the scandalous and controversial with the occasional utter catastrophe. So, perhaps it is far too idealistic to take the choice of having or not having babies out of government hands, out of the public sphere completely, but you conservatives are always so enthusiastic about limited government...