Originally I had planned a rant about HGTV, but after talking about it a little, the rant energy kinda fizzled. It is somewhat relevant to my new train of thought, though. In the sense that I am also bitter that I am not currently in the market for a vacation home in Costa Rica.
I've been hiding from a lot of social situations lately, all to avoid talking about my life. I fear that people I know will make something of the fact that I haven't achieved what many other women my age have already got: marriage, house, children, SUV...retirement plans. It's one thing for my then-8 year old niece to proclaim that I am not a grown-up because I am not married. It's another for one of my peers to think that. And, worst of all, say it.
The problem is, I can't control what people think. I'm again reminded of a book character. I know, it's becoming a theme that will probably not yield any good insight, but this is what I do to escape the despair of underemployment. I read a lot. In the WoT books, especially early on, Perrin always pondered how people saw him as slow-witted. He was deliberate, choosing words carefully, not speaking until he thought it through. Perrin isn't sophisticated, but he turns out to be a hero.
Sometimes I feel like Perrin, not a hero, but judged unfairly because I act differently. A lady once "caught" me drawing on a chalkboard at Sunday School and whispered to my mother "she's always drawing." The horror. Now, I could be misinterpreting, but...should I have been doing something else? Then there were the teachers concerned about my reticence. Did they really want me to talk in class? Say anything without thinking about it?
Maybe half the time, I am deliberately silent, simply because I prefer to think, mull things over and observe instead of blurting things out. The other half, well, I guess I really have been slow-witted...it's like, the conversation and my inner dialogue have become misaligned. It can happen at the most inopportune moments, such as speaking another language or trying to discuss something in architecture studio. Where I lose control is that split second when I decide whether to pause and ask for clarification, or simply shut down.
My biggest disappointment about adulthood is that I still get embarrassed. It's just no longer about jeans. I can't tell whether fear of embarrassment leads to a "misalignment" or if it's the other way around. Being older, I feel I should have some measure of control, like I should be able to prove that I am not unintelligent or incapable or any negative term someone might apply. But why would I bother trying to prove it? I can't sway your opinion if you're using a completely different set of criteria. I say adulthood is a state of mind, you say it's a healthy bottom line. Your idea of intelligence is always having something to say, well...
On My So-Called Life, Angela mused about having a button she could push to make her stop talking. Well, I sort of have one of those, and it's overused. I guess that makes me appear slow-witted. I myself feel worse when I don't push the button. But I perceive the judgment of others when I do. Quiet gives me time to reboot and catch up, if I can.
Isn't it more adult to share a well-thought idea than to spew whatever pops into my head? Or is quantity really better than quality?
Once again, I'm confronted with the realization that grown-ups aren't who I thought they were. And this isn't counting the wackos and criminals out there. I'm talking about average Americans who are just trying to make a living. We're too often distracted by whomever talks the loudest or has the most provocative factoid. Take education, or unemployment...do statistics really matter? This percentage of children might have passed some state test, but did they really learn? That many thousands of people might have been hired this month, but are they getting good hours and earning good money? How often do we blurt things out just to have something to say? I wouldn't mind if CNN went silent for an hour or two just to let things happen and think about them. That makes me sound weird, doesn't it?
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