I would love to write sunny things, happy things, giggly things...but that's not where I am right now. And that sort of thing is well-covered by some professionals at Hellogiggles.com, including one of my heroes, Zooey Deschanel. Sometimes I can't stand her, though, and others like her, because I start to think about how much I have not accomplished, how much I have not yet done.
I get that same bitter reaction while reading alumni publications and emails, the Phi Beta Kappa magazine, and others of the sort. I like the design, the articles, especially about exhibitions. But...then I see people both younger and older than I am doing great things, to borrow a Buckeye phrase. What am I doing?
Well, I can make it sound really interesting if I try. I teach a survey course in Art History at a local branch of a major university, bringing a little art into the lives of accounting and sociology majors. I also work at a local non-profit, helping people find the aid and services they need in these tough times and recruiting volunteers. I have also recently been told that I am a good writer. I don't know about that last. You're reading this, so you tell me.
Here's where reality sets in: most of my students don't bother to show up or complete assignments. Many of them didn't know the course would be quite so challenging. And I'm at my wits end, at the end of week 8 of a 10-week quarter, to help those who want to be helped. And those who do not seem to want help...
I'm not sure what exactly happened to my goals. I'm back to wondering why the heck I ever left Columbus in the first place. I definitely didn't go to graduate school intending to return to rural Ohio. Neither one of my jobs will help me with a future museum career. At least not in my opinion. At this moment in time. I miss city life. I miss mattering in some way, shape, or form. The sinking feeling that's getting to me right now is that it isn't just about the recession. I am up against a tough job market, but I also haven't done enough. Not enough to get me where I wanted to be four years ago.
This town isn't really the best town to live in when you're an idealist. Or a liberal. Or a big dreamer. I'm confronted by a lot of hardship on the job, both jobs, and the bleakness others feel, yeah I just absorb it like a sponge.
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To update: I always fluctuate back to mindlessly optimistic. And by that I mean I get big ideas in my head and ignore their impracticality. Like my latest brain storm. I've been noticing that my main annoyances with rural life center on the glaring lack of literacy, both adults and children. There is the Muskingum County Literacy Council, which could always use volunteer tutors. And I think, maybe that's something I can do to solve this problem. But if I added another gig to my plate, I just might go completely crazy instead of half-way there.
