At first I found it quite infuriating that after two years of looking for permanent employment, I'm stuck in a frightful limbo with two very different jobs set before me. But then I reminded myself that this is just the annoying problem that I have been waiting for. Just to have somebody put my resume in the "call" pile instead of the recycling bin was joyful enough.
So I'm making the final heroic push to finish my paper and redeem myself this spring. I know I should stop talking about it this way, but I really feel like a prodigal scholar...and maybe I don't deserve a second chance. I'll never know why so many of my resumes were tossed; it could be the leave of absence, or it could be something else entirely. I'm constantly reflecting on that last year at Columbia, and wishing I could have performed better and reacted differently to the challenges I was facing.
In hindsight, I wish that I could have dealt better with my mother's death and focused my energy on success. It seems to me that I was on the right track, doing what felt right instead of what was always expected. I wish I still had the guts that allowed me to pick up and move to New York. But I haven't shown any guts for a while now. Moving back to Ohio was like doing the expected. Would I have suffered if I continued in NYC? Most likely. But who can say whether the suffering would have been better or worse than the stagnation I experienced on the farm?
If you boiled down the choices before me right now, you'd see an epic struggle between idealism and reality. Arts or business? And I use "business" instead of money because at this point (don't jinx it) there is an arts opportunity that is actually offering a salary. So do I continue the struggle to make a career in the art world and field disparaging comments and questions from my family? Or do I suck it up and strike out on a new path paved with business attire and sales pitches? It wouldn't necessarily be a deal with the devil...I could do a lot of good with the money. And I wouldn't be cut off from the arts. They would, however, become my hobby, not my life.
Why does the "new normal" of our society/economy seem so hostile toward the University of Trial & Error? I remember interviewing an artist at Winter Fair for HS art class, and that was the school name she gave. It was humorous, honest and inspiring. That life path doesn't seem to be available to me, though.
On the other hand, maybe I'm already enrolled at Trial & Error. Maybe the next trial is to test out the business waters. Those of my friends who have posted on my facebook would disagree. I'm still young. And my two-year-old paper isn't half bad. So I must have some brains left inside my skull.
At this particular moment, I'm weighing and measuring...and hoping I haven't already blown it with the arts side of things. Voicemail is not my strong suit, and the cellular signal was no help either, but I do hope I can speak with my potential arts employer this week. I'll make sure she knows I'm enthusiastic and capable and worthy.
